My 20th Birthday & Life Update

I'm turning 20 on the 11th of August. I'm both mildly excited and also just kinda... grey? Idk the word for the feeling so just grey.

A while ago, I made some sort of promise to myself that I would become more myself by my 20th. Get HRT, work on myself, and try to be more like the person I want to be. I guess that was before I learned about HRT wait times as well as underestimating how much control I seem to have over my habits and impulses. I've made some progress, for sure. I have an appointment for HRT, lost some weight, came out to maybe 1 more person, and worked on my appearence. I've done a lot of research, and exploration in my mind.
I still feel like I kinda failed myself, but I don't think I can progress things any quicker without coming out to everyone. I need more proffessional help, and I need help to get it. Even if I did fail myself, I'm doing all I can seem to muster (which isn't a lot) and things are moving, even if ever so slowly.

Ok ignoring the depressing part about me failing myself, feeling kinda numb and tired, and me being worried about the future of society and myself, I'm getting myself a birthday gift! It's audio related, since I take my music kinda seriously (even if it's kinda bad music mashups and whatever).
I'm getting myself a Fiio btr3k and some MoonDrop Arias Snow Edition! My old Hesh 2 Wireless headphones I've had for years are starting to crumble, so I figured I might as well treat myself a bit for my birthday. Hopefully the MoonDrop Arias live up to what I've read online. I am worried about the MoonDrop QC issues but they have great reviews and I really like the design and whatnot, so I chose those! The BTR3k is the only bluetooth DAC that I feel I can trust at that price point, and honestly for the price, with the balanced output, it's kind of a no-brainer.

I also want to hang out with some friends for it, but honestly I don't think it'll happen. I kinda want to go mini-golfing or bowling or something. There is one friend I'd like to go shopping with again. IDK anything to get me out of the house with people I know.

I also found a Discord community for LGBT+ people in university in my city. It's amazing, and I learned so much just from lurking. I haven't really said anything in it or met anyone new, since I'm kinda scared and nervous and all that. Sending messages and chatting and being known is scary. What if I annoy them, or don't fit in, or so many other things. Especially with my current voice. I'm the kinda person who follows the one person I know around parties. What if I don't know anyone? I'm just a scared creature. Hold my hand.

I haven't really had any hobbies as of late and I've kinda been wasting away. Haven't been writing, haven't been programming, haven't been doing anything but games and youtube along with work. Once I move out I feel some of my life will return to me but in the meantime I'm just kinda alive.

THANKS FOR READING!!! As sad as I get sometimes I do like to enjoy that there may be one or two people reading these. This website is so much fun and while I don't updated it often, I do really enjoy working on it. Thank you all <3