My experience with antidepressants/SSRIs

Ok before I get into this I need to say that my experiences are my own, and I am not a medical proffessional. Mood meds can vary a lot per person, so don't expect them to be your own.

I was never really officially diagnosed with depression, or anxiety, but I was prescribed my first one in late december 2022.
I've had reoccuring depression and anxiety symptoms for a long time, but I suppose it got worse due to many variables, but moving out was one of them I believe.
My depression felt like episodes of extreme and dangerous "poor mood" and anxiety attacks, that randomly onset, leaving me unable to do anything for possibly hours. The depression was usually present 24/7 and kept me just below the line of being well enough to be fully functional.

The first medication I was put on was escitalopram 10nmg daily. My experience with iit was almost no effect, until a much higher dose, which I preffered not to be on. It kept me well enough to be mildly functional most days, and helped remove some episodes. It's effect felt minimal, but I could feel it working kinda. It felt like I was mildly less depressed most of the time due to an artificial reason, but the episodes felt like they were able to override that. It didn't help I was drinking a lot around that time, which does interfere with any antidepressant, 'cause alcohol IS a depressant.
Honestly it worked fine, but for some reason it didn't feel completely right. It also didn't prevent a week-length depressive feeling that made me barely leave the house, and kind of just suffer, so I decided i'd like to try a different medication.

The next medication I was put on was sertraline 75mg daily (Zoloft). It's odd how it works different from escitalopram since they're the same class, but my experience with it was different from before. We decreased my escitalopram dose and increased my sertraline dose over time so I wouldn't go through kinda like withdrawal. From then, I kind of felt like my emotions were fake. As if they were being suppressed instead of being fully free to exist. It felt like before I was on HRT, where a lot of the time my mood felt very dull and flat, where my emotions were less dynamic. You know when you try to slip between the couch and the wall and you don't have a lot of room to move around so you kind of just shuffle? It feels like my dynamic range of emotions were tightened, like me between a couch and wall. I still have emotions, but like, less so.
This isn't to say sertraline is bad, and the effects make sense considering it's mode of function. It keeps me in a generally good condition, and works for me way way better than escitalopram. Even though I'm at a low point now, when i post this, sertraline keeps me functional, and ever so mildly productive. Even if the emotions feel a bit fake, they are still my current emotions, and therefore if I ignore it then I can minimalize the fakeness. Keeps me out of a hospital so that works for me.

My issues could be caused by so much, that it would be really difficult to remedy. If you have trouble working due to a mental condition, you have issues with money, causing further mental issues. So finding a correct medication might be able to save my life.

If you didn't know, SSRIs are drugs that increase seratonin levels in the brain. So the fake feeling might be due to the increase of seratonin that's not usually there. It works well enough for me, so :shrug:. I've got so many other issues mentally that even if one is fake then so be it, I just need to stay alive

I've had no side effects with either medication, so honestly I encourage you to seek out potential help and medications to keep you sane. You deserve to be alive and funtional.

please reach out to me if you need someone to talk to, or maybe some advice idk, i'm just a mess but if I can help, then ill help!!!!!
-Evelyne