Gender Identity 2: Electric Boogaloo
Edit: This blog post isn't entirely accurate now, I'll create an update post when I can. Generally I've made some progress on the labels, goals, and I'm now on hrt.
Alright so I decided to just type some more thoughts. Currently I'm on vacation so I can't be writing in my thought diary, so I might as well make a post here while no one's paying attention.
I finally am in contact with someone to help figure this stuff out, which is nice, but I'm very early in the process right now. It has given me some stuff to think about however. I'll share some of the (sharable) thoughts here I guess.
Transition Goals?First of all, I guess I'm not entirely sure what my transition goals are, if there are any. I don't really know if I am cis or not, but I do have some idea of what my transition goals may be.
Alright so, I don't know if I want to be a girl or not in the end, but I do know that I don't want to be a guy. That part is obvious for me. Sometimes I do kinda want to go all the way to a girl, but the issue is that feeling isn't constant. Let's say I'm feeling kinda feminine right, what would some transition goals be. I'd want to at least be somewhat androgynous, or look pretty feminine. I dress in kinda dark colours at the moment, and I would probably keep it that way. I like semi-long hair (a bit past the shoulders) but it would need to be styled somehow (two strands on the front sides?). I'd like to try some more flat pastel colours as well. I'd probably like to lose a bunch of weight (which, currently, is causing some bad eating habits. I don't really have much of a picture in my head though, y'know? I'll just take what I can get. Overall, I feel like I would rather be slightly androgynous? The androgynous part is the only part that stays kinda consistant I guess. I feel like after some more therapy sessions I can figure it out. It kinda depends on if I'm trans or not. Oh! I also want to do some voice training. I kinda wish my voice was slightly higher and more androgynous (or maybe even feminine once I do start transitioning).
HRT?Ok so hrt. I kinda want to get on it asap, y'know? Even if it's a mistake or something I don't think I would mind the permanent effects all that much. I need to talk with the hrt provider to get exact details, but microdosing is also an option I guess. I do kinda want to just go all the way, get spiro, get estradiol, and just get full dosages and see the effects. I have rarely done anything with my life in the past 5 years and I kinda just want to do something, even if it's not for me in the end.
Finding a labelI wonder if I've made any progress trying to figure out a label that I can fit under. If I am genderfluid, than it seems like I could be the kind that changes over the course of months. I do kinda like being under the non-binary umbrella, but I kinda want to refine that a bit? Can you be both trans-fem and non-binary? I wonder if it's worth finding a label. I don't feel like I would be the type of person to have flags on everything, but having a small one of something I fit under on my wall or something could be kinda nice.
Pronouns?Pronouns? Yeah I guess. On the discord account I use for public servers and my tumblr, I say that I use any. This is true, feel free to call me whatever, I guess. The issue is, no one ever uses anything but he/him. I don't really talk to anyone besides people I know irl (since I'm scared of socializing on public servers) and no one irl (besides maybe one person) knows about this. I do kinda wish I could find a community that I can comfortably chat in and for everyone to use whatever pronouns for me they want, but that's kinda scary.
Coming outComing out is something I've been thinking about almost daily. I think I have 3 options in mind at the moment: I have a folder full of details about every issue, trans, gender, and other things that I'm developing to be able to just hand someone. Another way is to just walk into my living room in a full femme outfit and style, and pretend nothings wrong, then just say I'm trans as I leave the room. The third option is to use it to end an argument (like if my parents are arguing I can just tell them both to shut up, say I might be trans, and then leave the room). The one thing all these have in common is that I'd like to get a hotel for 3 nights afterward just so I can calm down and have some space afterward.
Anyway, that's the update, I guess. Hopefully that was clear! Thanks whoever reads these things. If you know me in real life: voila! Hopefully this helps you understand.