Trans Update #11

Hi, I'm trying something new with the comment box. I apologize that you have to sign in (if you have an alternative let me know). This is just a test, but if people like it, then maybe it'll stay. (Removed it since the website broke)

It's month 10? Time flies, even if you aren't having fun. So, 2 months from my year anniversary, how is my transition going?

Comparing pictures of what I looked like before everything, vs after, you can notice a difference, you can see that I've developed and progressed and became a little happier. I can even genuinely smile in photos and take pictures of myself now, which was rough before.
The thing is, it's hard to feel the difference, since while sometimes time flies, it's still time, and the slower things change, the less noticeable they are. As much as Evelyne is showing herself more and more, I still have trouble seeing myself as a girl. Maybe I'm not a girl, I may be non-binary, who knows, but the more I feel like Evelyne, the more I tend to doubt myself.

Even if I still have identity issues, even if I still have mental issues and body issues and everything, things are getting better. I'm out at the pharmacy I occasionally work at, everyone there calls me Evelyne and they fight for me if customers get upset that I exist. I'm out to one of my managers at my main job, and the rest of the company uses they/them for me, since they can pick up I'm queer (and I like it! It's a bit odd that happened but I like they/them pronouns. I just wish I could fully come out to them). More and more I am being recognized as Evelyne, and more and more I can look at myself and be like, oh, I feel like Evelyne. I am extremely lucky to be in such a friendly environment, and am surprised I haven't gotten more backlash, but I think I did a really decent job knowing when something wouldn't work out, even from an interview. As much as it sucks my contract expires with my main job later this month, and am on the edge of needing to take out loans, I'm curious to see what the next environment I'm in feels like. And I guess there's always the pharmacy.

About body development, I don't have too much to update on. Again, maybe things have changed, but it's just hard to tell since I don't have measurements. I still have some issues with body image, and am still constantly on the verge of an eating disorder, but I guess things are going alright in that field.
I also finally am comfortable with epilation, so hopefully my blond body hair can be thinned a little. I am currently looking into electrolysis, but it still is prohibitivly expensive, which sucks. I'd only like my face treated at the moment, but even that will in the end take thousands of dollars. We'll see I guess.
It's hard to avoid the "what if things were different" feeling about your body, what if I started HRT sooner? What if I took care of myself properly before everything, what if I actually had the ability to get myself to excercise? In the end, it's not really useful to think about, even if things would have been better. I do wish I could get myself to do some excersice though.

I still have yet to connect with the community, which makes me pretty sad. It's still just anxiety and not knowing what to say and not knowing how to start engaging in it. I really wish I was normal about talking to people, but there's so much that I can't pick up on properly. There's this one discord where I really found community... when just reading the messages other people send. I occasionally post something, but I just really don't know how to actually engage with them. I usually need to have someone I already know in a group to be able to talk to people, but when it comes to any trans community, I just don't know anyone. It makes you feel stuck, and wish your brain worked properly. I don't even know if it's my brain not working properly, maybe it's the ADHD or maybe I just never developed conversational skills or maybe something else is going on, but it takes so much energy to try and be normal.

In the end, I am increasingly Evelyne. My birthday is coming up next week, which will be my first one as Evelyne, which is exciting. I just hope things can continue to get better, and hope I don't relapse into another depressive episode. Currently, I am doing well, can do some hobbies again, and am more confident occasionally. Maybe I'll slowly be able to put myself out there, go to some events locally, and also become more comfortable talking to people in real life and online.

Hope you are all doing well, and hope things can get better for all of us eventaully,
- Evelyne (she/it/they)